Carpe Diem

'…Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary…'

This week I found out that a beloved actor passed. It was quickly released how he passed and simultaneously why that was the way he passed. I didn't see any negative posts, I thank my friends for that. Thank you for understanding that is inappropriate. I heard about them though.  I don't exactly understand why they were posted. I don't understand why people think that it is okay to talk poorly about someone who has passed. I don't understand why it matters if they took their own life, died naturally, or someone else took it.  If it's religion that makes you think that you have the right to condemn… Well that just sounds weird in general so you should just not.  If it's because you battled depression and think they should have fought too… Good for you, but that doesn't make them not as good as you. I suppose there are more reasons that people could be upset… I can't think of any. Honestly, coming up with two was difficult. I can't seem to fault someone for dying.

I know what it feels like to lose a friend though, I know I can fault myself. I know the feelings are different in each case. When they pass, it's sad, things remind me of them, but it gets better, and I remember the happy times that we had and some of the regret of things left unsaid. When they are taken, I think they weren't here long enough, there is a little anger in that, but eventually the anger subsides and its similar to when they pass. I hadn't dealt with suicide, I may not have dealt with it yet, we won't ever really know what happened, but it is different.

I can't muster anger, not at them… I can at myself though and it isn't hard to do.  As a friend, going to their funeral and hugging their family makes me feel about an inch tall.  When I think about them I feel that way too, even now. It's different. The internal questioning of what I could have done is endless, and there are no answers. People tell me that, there is nothing you could have done, but that doesn't sit right either. Maybe that is where the negative comes from… the inability to find closure.

I don't choose that though… I choose to let that remind me that I can't take a day for granted… or a friend.  I did that, I wish I hadn't. I'm not saying it would have changed anything, sometimes we can't exact change. An internal struggle does not always need an external trigger.  I'm not saying I could have made them better.  There will always be a maybe though.

Peace.