Peace in Pieces

I recently had a question asked to me in regards to why feeling inadequate at church is so painful? It struck me as a really powerful thought.

I found my answer to be something to this nature... We are taught that church is the place where are short comings don't matter. And they don't... until they do.

I had to think on it. I've struggled in church a few times. I've been through all the emotions from anger to despair.  I've felt invisible among a sea of faces that were supposed to be my spiritual family.  I've felt like I was in some way betraying my faith due to the anger I felt.  I've hit my knees hard to try to discern where I was messing up. I learned. I railed. I cried. I grew.

Where I am now is a place that was forged through thoughtful consideration and prayer. I don't always agree with direction my church takes, but I'm okay with not agreeing. I'm okay with questioning and I'm fully aware that the body of a church is made up of people who are not perfect. They make mistakes just like me and, yes... you guessed it...

I'm okay with that.

Further down the road...

I felt a calling, for those who don't know what that means, think of being inexplicably drawn a particular direction.

I felt that years ago.

I left a job that I was good at and made money doing. Good money. I didn't know what that would mean for me at the time. But I knew that I needed out. My marriage was failing, I wasn't happy, and life sorta sucked.

I had been volunteering at VBS and had thought maybe that was what I needed to do. So, I found a job at a daycare. I enjoyed that and loved my kids, but that wasn't it. My marriage was stronger than it had ever been. My family was happy and reconnected. However, I didn't feel utilized or fulfilled. I'm not in any way saying that teaching preschool isn't amazing. It just want for me. I moved to the office, went through director certification and worked as an admin. I have never been as stressed as that job made me. I didn't know what to do. Around that time I also stepped into a role in my church that would change my life and grow me in so many ways.

I stepped into a youth ministries rule. I had an amazing co-leader. Together we got the youth program going. And I thought, finally. This is it, this is fulfilling. I'm happy and the stress isn't so bad. I've got this. And it was amazing.

Until it wasn't.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to admit to myself. As much as I loved the youth kids, as much as I wanted that to be where my calling was.

It wasn't. It isn't.

For so many reasons my heart was no longer fulfilled in that role. And I felt like a failure. I had learned that I dislike the politics that come along with being at that level of involvement. And that more often than not, the frustration that I felt was making me not want to be in that role anymore. Worse than that, I was starting to not to want to go to church.

That was a low for me. And excruciating. I was ashamed, I was angry, I was hurt.

During this time I had also changed jobs. To a job that I love.  It's not easy, but it's amazing.

It was a learning experience for me. My husband listened to me question myself, my faith, my career, my church.

The roads we travel take us so many places. They weather us, grow us, and educate us.

I felt a calling... I still do... But I am okay with not understanding it. I'm okay with letting my choices discover hidden paths. I'm okay with just being me and letting it unfold. I'm okay with being wrong about what it was.

The point in writing this (aside from it being cathartic) was to let people know that you don't have to have it figured out. I'm a planner... I need a plan... But I try to be okay with that plan not working. It's not always a bad thing. And it's not always anyone's fault.

Life is an adventure, you get one time around with this one.

Make a difference.

Make it yours.