Perspective

The last four days have been a whirlwind of crazy.  Final school shopping, traveling back from Austin, taking tests, doing laundry, cleaning, reading, cooking, prepping cases, breathing... And this weekend I stayed off Facebook. I unplugged... Logged out and had some great conversation.  I talked through some frustrations, I set my daughter up for a successful first day of school, celebrated the birthday of my mother in law, and had a marvelous Sunday.  Today, I feel different. That may be odd, but today I'm better at identifying as me.  Today breathing was first and the rest fell in to place. Today my little girl walked into school for the first time and I understand a little better. 

I like to think that we can choose to grow... That when we acquire information it changes us. I think that is the most awesome thing ever.  I never want to stop growing, I want to be changed by knowledge and allow myself to be molded by the assimilation of information. If I stop learning from life...I stop growing and I can't imagine that.

But, people will say you're fickle.
Maybe, but if you aren't, then who cares.

So, never be afraid to break ranks, speak your mind and when something makes you think... Explore it.  Explore you, find out what makes you tick. Enjoy life. Don't take yourself so seriously (insert Joker voice here). And learn... Never stop learning.

Thoughts...

I woke up today, and I was thinking about lots of stuff... y'all being in a hotel room alone will totally do that to a person. I got up and I went to hotel gym (way to go DoubleTree on having a decent one). Last night I was annoyed... today at 5:30am... I'm still feeling it. I won't retract that, but I can maybe better explain it. It isn't just the water so much; I think that I lost ground there.

Be fair, I am not a journalist or anything like that. Just expressing thoughts. The feeling is initiated by the response to the thoughts triggered by what I'm seeing. If that makes sense. So it's not just the water challenge that I find bothersome. I mean it's bigger than that. I read A LOT last night, and I'll probably read more tonight. I read about how great this has been for ALS. And it has been they have raised more than two times the amount of money this year, so far, than all of last year. That is amazing. The big picture is raising awareness though, right? Admittedly I did not know much about it prior. I would say it's doing that too. I'm sure that some are doing it for exposure. But I also think it's safe to say that ALS has been googled exponentially more often recently than in years past. So what else did I read...? I read that it is a waste of water... Yeah it is. But my sprinklers run twice a week... same thing. Besides, we have a ton of other things we do that waste more. So what is it...?

I said yesterday that I wasn't sure, and recognized that it's weird to be annoyed.

I don't think it's weird anymore.

Throughout the day I thought about what is really bugging me about this. Is it because people are throwing ice water on the ground... nope. That isn't it, but that is what triggers it. So if you want to keep delving into my brain... here we go.

I think at the base of the feeling, the real root of it, lies in the fact that it gets me to look at myself. My choices, my values, my life. So let's see, when I feel annoyed because of the waste of water, I am forced to reckon with myself about that. I have to look at all the things I choose to do that have the same effect. And I come up short. I come up really short. In an area that stirs me. Hopefully that conveys the message I want it to.

During the pouring over information regarding water sanitation, I discovered just how bad it is.  Just how many people die and get sick because of poor conditions.  Then I think, 'what if they saw that,' and I cringe. And then, figuratively, I pull up to my manicured green lawn, start the washing machine, dishwasher and run a bath.

It's not the intended message, I GET that. It may not be how anyone else in the world feels when they watch the #icebucketchallenge. But that's where it gets me. I know that may not make sense. I don't guess it has to. So what did the challenge teach me... that ALS sucks... really bad!! And water is extremely precious in so many areas and we are incredibly blessed to have access to it. I have learned that I am blind to things until they are thrown into my world sometimes, and I'm not proud of that. I discovered that I have a lot of growing to do and I am completely okay with that.

Maybe that helped see where I am coming from... Maybe not... Either way it helped me figure myself out.

Peace!

If it's worth having....

It's not easy...

I think that is true for so many things... Really all things.  I don't have one thing  that I place high value on, that was easy to get. My education, my career, my faith,my child... And yeah my marriage.  I almost lost that once.  I thank God everyday that I didn't. I can tell you that getting past that and being where our relationship is today was hard.  Harder than anything I'd done before. It was a guilty, dark, and fearful time. And it was my fault. 

I'm not perfect, obviously! I don't know everything, but I thought I would share some things that I think saved us... Maybe it'll help.

1)Say you are sorry, but not til you mean it.
I know they say not to go to bed angry, and they are right... Don't!!! But also don't say you're sorry just to end an argument. Learn to understand that being apologetic is okay. If you fight about something that is important to you, maybe its not an apology for how you feel, but an apology for letting it escalate. But MEAN it!!

2)Touch often.
It can release endorphins and lower blood pressure. It can make you smile and take away hurt. Touch your spouse.  Hold their hand. Learn the lay of their face with your fingers. Play with their hair and hold hands.

3)Make love more.
Yeah, cliche right, but there is some truth
here. For the most part, humans like sex. Oh sure not all of us, but mostly. Also, try things. It doesn't have to get crazy in the bedroom, or not the bedroom, but spice it up. Don't let the topic be scary, talk about it with your spouse.

4)Receive constructive criticism with grace.
This is hard for me too. I've learned to
apologize for the lack of grace. A lot of communication can save a marriage. Letting your spouse know that they can come to you and have an adult conversation about you is super important. If your spouse can't tell you their dislikes, they are going to tell someone else... Think about that.

5)Learn to be happy with you.
They can't make you happy. Oh sure they can help, but you and you alone are responsible for your happiness.

6)Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Okay, we all screw up. We don't have all the answers. Don't be afraid to seek a professional for help. A counselor, pastor, a prayer... may be a good place to look. Or just a friend.

7)Don't be scared to admit you are wrong
Check back to #1 first but understand, that being wrong is fine. Messing up is fine. Not knowing what the hell to do... Guess what... It's FINE! It isn't the end of the world to be wrong... It's totally normal.

8)Do insanely stupid things together.
Enjoy hanging out playing video games, even if you're 40. Have a water gun fight. Jump on trampoline, play board games. Dance in the rain, have snow ball fights. Be silly and laugh together.

9)Go on cheesy dates.
Find something out of the box... Do it. Go race go carts. Play mini golf. Go paint balling. Hit up a batting cage.

9.5)And romantic ones
And yes put on the good duds and go out. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just get dolled up and go. It isn't the cost, its the fact that you are making the effort.

10)Say I love you.
When....? ALL THE TIME!!!

I won't pretend that this is a catchall.  Marriage is work... It's a wonderfully fulfilling, frustrating, demanding, amazing full time job. There will be times when you scream, times when you cry, times were you would rather be anywhere else. When those things happen.... Remember why you fell in love. When the world, and those in it, start to push in, push back.

Peace.

Carpe Diem

'…Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary…'

This week I found out that a beloved actor passed. It was quickly released how he passed and simultaneously why that was the way he passed. I didn't see any negative posts, I thank my friends for that. Thank you for understanding that is inappropriate. I heard about them though.  I don't exactly understand why they were posted. I don't understand why people think that it is okay to talk poorly about someone who has passed. I don't understand why it matters if they took their own life, died naturally, or someone else took it.  If it's religion that makes you think that you have the right to condemn… Well that just sounds weird in general so you should just not.  If it's because you battled depression and think they should have fought too… Good for you, but that doesn't make them not as good as you. I suppose there are more reasons that people could be upset… I can't think of any. Honestly, coming up with two was difficult. I can't seem to fault someone for dying.

I know what it feels like to lose a friend though, I know I can fault myself. I know the feelings are different in each case. When they pass, it's sad, things remind me of them, but it gets better, and I remember the happy times that we had and some of the regret of things left unsaid. When they are taken, I think they weren't here long enough, there is a little anger in that, but eventually the anger subsides and its similar to when they pass. I hadn't dealt with suicide, I may not have dealt with it yet, we won't ever really know what happened, but it is different.

I can't muster anger, not at them… I can at myself though and it isn't hard to do.  As a friend, going to their funeral and hugging their family makes me feel about an inch tall.  When I think about them I feel that way too, even now. It's different. The internal questioning of what I could have done is endless, and there are no answers. People tell me that, there is nothing you could have done, but that doesn't sit right either. Maybe that is where the negative comes from… the inability to find closure.

I don't choose that though… I choose to let that remind me that I can't take a day for granted… or a friend.  I did that, I wish I hadn't. I'm not saying it would have changed anything, sometimes we can't exact change. An internal struggle does not always need an external trigger.  I'm not saying I could have made them better.  There will always be a maybe though.

Peace.

 

Let's play a game...

... It's called who is your daddy and what does he do....

Kinda, but more like, "Who is your God and what does He do."  For all intents and purposes, the you here refers to me and the our and we statements are purely mine and not staying that everyone feels this way. I cannot speak for all Christians and don't pretend to.

So, I think if you asked that question of a group of Christians you would get vastly different answers. Some would liken him to a father, some a teacher, some would say comforter.

I talk to my youth group about that, and there are differences even in our small group.

When I think of God... I think of sacrifice.  When I think of sacrifice... I think of Jesus. When I think of Jesus... I think of revolutionary.  I always think of the story of Jesus entering the temple and throwing the tables over and admonishing the money changers.

This speaks to me in so many ways... Not that it was a show of force, but a cleansing of what was accepted.  Jesus came and rocked the world of the religious leaders of the time. He stood up for the persecuted and hung out with tax collectors, fisherman and whores.

Yes he was perfect, we say he was anyway... But a lot of people said he wasn't back then... And he still stood up for what he knew was right. I want to be like that... That is why I call him Father... And as for what he does... He inspires me daily to stand up for what I believe in and be the voice to the ones who don't have one. To see the homeless and not look through them, to fight for the rights of others, for it is not my right to judge, to not become complacent in the world, but to shake it up and leave a mark....

Peace

You keep using that word...

... I do not think it means what you think it means...

per·se·cu·tion

ˌpərsəˈkyo͞oSHən/

noun

noun: persecution; plural noun: persecutions

hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of race or political or religious beliefs.

"her family fled religious persecution"

synonyms:oppression, victimization, maltreatment,ill-treatment, mistreatment, abuse, ill-usage, discrimination, tyranny; More

persistent annoyance or harassment.

"his persecution at the hands of other students"

So, what do you think it means... It gets tossed around a lot nowadays.

I hear people who have no idea what it means to wake up and be afraid say that they are persecuted... And that irritates me.  People in other countries are fleeing for their lives because they believe a certain way. They are persecuted.

We are not persecuted as Christians because same sex couples want to marry, we are not persecuted because women want to have access to all types of birth control. We are, in general, in our small corner of the world, NOT persecuted at all.

What we are makes me just as sad. We are judgmental, we are hypocrites, we are blind to the needy and we are not full of love as we proclaim to be.

When it suites us we say, "let he who has no sin cast the first stone," and then we throw a boulder at the next person passing by.

I'm not by any means saying I'm better... I want to be, maybe someday... I want to try  everyday, to be what I'm supposed to be.

I think that I'm supposed to be love, I'm supposed to use the brain that God gave me to figure out this world. To leave it just a bit better than when I came.

*we is used as a generalization to the group that is viewed as "Christian"

Welcome

I suppose this will be introductory, so I won't go into any crazy stuff this time. I suspect that at some point I will write something that upsets someone, I've decided I'm kinda okay with that.  I don't pretend to feel that everyone feels like I feel on certain subjects, or even remotely agrees with me on many of them, and I'm also okay with that.  I hope that things that are read are discussed, I hope that there are comments left that are intelligent, challenging, and informative. 

I think that sometimes we, as a society, become so mired in things that we forget that we can change things. That we are powerful and forces to be reckoned with.  Sometimes things feel so big that we feel impossibly small and inconsequential. I find that incredibly sad.  The thought that as a singular person, we cannot effect the world in which we live, makes me mad.  Change is always started somewhere, with someone... why is that never us.  Why is it that we temper our emotions to the "norm," and not let them lead us. I am not saying that we should fly off the handle at everything, that's not where I'm going. 

Get in touch with your emotions.  When something makes you mad, think about it. Maybe understand first that it's okay to be mad in the first place. I hear people saying to get over it... that's just angering in its self. Same thing with sadness, frustration.... really anything.  I had a conversation with C yesterday.  It was after he had an exceptionally bad day the previous day, and it got me thinking.  He said that sometimes he just likes to stew in his anger, and that he's trying to be better about telling me that it's not me or L that he is mad at... he's just mad and needs to be mad for a while.  I was floored by that.  My instinct is to make it better, sometimes because I feel like it's my job to do that... but what I was doing was robbing him of something he needed... and I GET that.

So to wrap up what could go in to a very long welcome to the "Mind of T," get in touch with what irks you, touches you, fulfills you, or whatever and use it. That's what this is about, I may not change the world, but I'm going to try to change something, maybe it's just changing me... and y'all I'm definitely okay with THAT!

Peace.