Peace in Pieces

I recently had a question asked to me in regards to why feeling inadequate at church is so painful? It struck me as a really powerful thought.

I found my answer to be something to this nature... We are taught that church is the place where are short comings don't matter. And they don't... until they do.

I had to think on it. I've struggled in church a few times. I've been through all the emotions from anger to despair.  I've felt invisible among a sea of faces that were supposed to be my spiritual family.  I've felt like I was in some way betraying my faith due to the anger I felt.  I've hit my knees hard to try to discern where I was messing up. I learned. I railed. I cried. I grew.

Where I am now is a place that was forged through thoughtful consideration and prayer. I don't always agree with direction my church takes, but I'm okay with not agreeing. I'm okay with questioning and I'm fully aware that the body of a church is made up of people who are not perfect. They make mistakes just like me and, yes... you guessed it...

I'm okay with that.

Further down the road...

I felt a calling, for those who don't know what that means, think of being inexplicably drawn a particular direction.

I felt that years ago.

I left a job that I was good at and made money doing. Good money. I didn't know what that would mean for me at the time. But I knew that I needed out. My marriage was failing, I wasn't happy, and life sorta sucked.

I had been volunteering at VBS and had thought maybe that was what I needed to do. So, I found a job at a daycare. I enjoyed that and loved my kids, but that wasn't it. My marriage was stronger than it had ever been. My family was happy and reconnected. However, I didn't feel utilized or fulfilled. I'm not in any way saying that teaching preschool isn't amazing. It just want for me. I moved to the office, went through director certification and worked as an admin. I have never been as stressed as that job made me. I didn't know what to do. Around that time I also stepped into a role in my church that would change my life and grow me in so many ways.

I stepped into a youth ministries rule. I had an amazing co-leader. Together we got the youth program going. And I thought, finally. This is it, this is fulfilling. I'm happy and the stress isn't so bad. I've got this. And it was amazing.

Until it wasn't.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to admit to myself. As much as I loved the youth kids, as much as I wanted that to be where my calling was.

It wasn't. It isn't.

For so many reasons my heart was no longer fulfilled in that role. And I felt like a failure. I had learned that I dislike the politics that come along with being at that level of involvement. And that more often than not, the frustration that I felt was making me not want to be in that role anymore. Worse than that, I was starting to not to want to go to church.

That was a low for me. And excruciating. I was ashamed, I was angry, I was hurt.

During this time I had also changed jobs. To a job that I love.  It's not easy, but it's amazing.

It was a learning experience for me. My husband listened to me question myself, my faith, my career, my church.

The roads we travel take us so many places. They weather us, grow us, and educate us.

I felt a calling... I still do... But I am okay with not understanding it. I'm okay with letting my choices discover hidden paths. I'm okay with just being me and letting it unfold. I'm okay with being wrong about what it was.

The point in writing this (aside from it being cathartic) was to let people know that you don't have to have it figured out. I'm a planner... I need a plan... But I try to be okay with that plan not working. It's not always a bad thing. And it's not always anyone's fault.

Life is an adventure, you get one time around with this one.

Make a difference.

Make it yours.

Why care...

I am not a lesbian.
I have never had an abortion.
I have never been raped.
I am white.
I am not on government assistance.

So why do I care about LGBT rights?
Why do I care about women's rights?
Why do I care about changing rape culture?
Why do I care about white privilege?
Why do I care about ensuring everyone has access to necessities?

Because saying sexuality is a choice is stupid. Try choosing to not be straight, let me know how that works out.

Because it's my f***ing body. And absolutely no one else has the right to dictate what I do to it. You can not like it all you want, you have that right, but I do not have to do what you say.

Because, again, it's my vagina, breasts, mouth, hands... Etc. What I choose to wear, drink, street to walk down, kiss, dance with, or invite home does not imply that it is OK to take more than is offered. You do not have the right to push me further than I want to go, get over it.

Because it's a thing. No one looks at me weird if I go to the store in bag sweat pants and a hoodie. I have never been asked to exit my car when pulled over. If I have to dig in the glove box for my insurance I don't have a gun pulled on me. I don't worry about racial profiling. It's a thing, if you think it isn't... Go away.

Because if I needed it, I hope someone didn't turn me away. I wouldn't want then to ask how I had nice clothes because we just lost our house and are living in an extended stay hotel because we don't know what else to do right now.  I just want someone to tell me that they will help.

I care because I can't imagine not caring. I didn't always care. I didn't always look for reasons to. I used to be silent.

What does pro-choice mean?

To me?

It means that a woman should have the right to decide what happens to her body.

It means that should she make the choice to proceed with the pregnancy, that I will advocate for her rights to government assistance if she needs it, including access to birth control to prevent future unwanted pregnancies, regardless of where she works.

It means when she is single and 16, and her parents kick her out, I will advocate for free childcare that is safe and educational for her child to attend so that she can finish school and go to college.

It means that if she isn't ready to bring a baby into the world, I will advocate for a safe and clean place for her to end her pregnancy.

It means that I will advocate for her to have a support system after the process to ensure she is recovering fully.

It means that I will never assume that I understand her life. That as close as I can be, there is only one her, and she is not me.

See, I am not pro-abortion. That is my choice.

And that means you have one too.

Merry or Happy whatever it is...

Okay, I've been struggling with this one. How to write it, and if I even should. And I finally decided to just do it.

I keep seeing, "keep the Christ in Christmas" posts, as well as "it's Merry Christmas," both say you to like if you agree. So let's explore this, if you don't want to that's fine, but it bugs me, so I am going to.

So, first of all, it's pretty well accepted that Jesus wasn't born in December (he wasn't white either, if that surprises you). So, why is Christ in Christmas to begin with??

As is custom with me... Here's a link...

http://www.history.com/topics/christmas/history-of-christmas

Or you can google "origin of Christmas," lots of stuff comes up.

Don't get me wrong, I love the season, and I thoroughly enjoy Christmas Eve service, when I can attend. But then again, I like church. I'm a Christian.

I have friends who are not.  I've been to their Chanukah parties, they are amazing cooks. We listened to the story, and when I left, I said Happy Chanukah, and ya know what... Nothing bad happened.

Get this, it isn't instinctual for me to say "happy holidays," many times it's "merry Christmas." Amazingly... (Insert sarcasm)... I haven't had one person get mad...

Ever.

I know people from all walks, I meet more daily. It is rarely about what you are saying and more about how you say it. If I'm initiating conversation, merry Christmas it is, but if someone tells me happy Chanukah, Joyous Kwanzaa or happy Holidays, I would respond in kind.

The holiday season us about celebrating life.

Do that!

What love looks like...

I've been married for 9 years. We've been together for 11. We have a pretty awesome 6 year old. We aren't high school sweethearts. We didn't have sparks fly the first time we met. Our first meeting didn't really go over well. And we had anything but the typical dating life. But, all those things don't define love anyway. Saying and doing everything the way your supposed to isn't the good stuff.

So, what is it? What has kept our marriage strong? What saved us?

Being willing.

Being willing to admit when I'm wrong. Being willing to communicate.
Being willing to learn.
Being willing to forgive.
Being willing to be uncomfortable.

In short, being willing to be a partner. Not just the label of wife or husband.  When we admit that we can be wrong and communicate. We learn the root of the problem and we can forgive even when it is uncomfortable.

So what is love?

Love is in the trenches when it's muddy and it's a war zone.
Love is winter night snuggles. 
Love is the willingness to put in the effort to make a relationship last a lifetime.
Love is smiling at the thought of your partner.
Love is late night emergency room visits.
Love is all the thing you thought it would be... And all the things you never thought.

The hours are long, sometimes you feel like you have no idea how to do it. Sometimes you may want to quit.

Love is worth the work.

Why...

Why?

The question that parents cringe at. (I know I do sometimes)

But, today I was thinking a whole lot of why questions myself. I am lucky enough to have my awesome partner around to listen patiently to me and discuss. So we did...

I wanted to know...

Why everyone doesn't have a home?
Why everyone doesn't have food?
Why are people discriminated against?
Why attending state school means I have $50,000 in debt for a bachelors degree?
Why, why, why....

It occurs to me that when I answer them all, the answer sucks... It sucks so much that I don't think sucks us exactly adequate to describe it.

So here is what I come up with.

Why doesn't everyone have a home?
       Because we as a society have said that you only deserve a home if you have money to buy one. So the people who don't have a home because they don't deserve it? So a human... A mother, father, daughter, son, grandfather, or grandmother doesn't deserve a home... Seriously? 

Why doesn't everyone have food?
       Just insert food for home from the above statement... And again... Seriously?

Why are people discriminated against?
       I seriously thought that we were past that. I don't understand why this is a thing. When did we forget that everyone is created equal.  Or did we just decide that everyone is equal except for the ones that aren't. I totally encourage you to say that out loud if you struggle with that... See how it really sounds.

Why attending state school means I have $50,000 in debt for a bachelors degree?
     That seems trivial in comparison to the other questions, but this is where our conversation today took us. Please explain to me why state school isn't free here. Please explain to me why to further my career I have to accumulate a car and a half worth of debt?

These are questions I would love to have answered, or maybe just have other people's opinions on. Because things need to change and I have no idea how to change them...

Go Big Red... ?

So I read the platform for both of the candidates for governor of Texas today.  Wendy Davis lost that race and I went looking for why. I had read the info before, but I wanted to see if I could see the other side.  If I could get behind Greg Abbott, because he's our governor whether I like it or not. Here's what I gathered. Each section is directly copied from his webpage, I'll give the link at the end.

End ObamaCare:Committed to Fighting and Repealing an Unconstitutional Tax. - Okay, except that there isn't a tax, there is a fine. And if you can't afford it... Well here is a list of exemptions that will most likely cover you... Additionally the fine for not having insurance is substantially less that having it anyway... Go ahead... Read... Here are the links.

https://www.healthcare.gov/fees-exemptions/fee-for-not-being-covered/

https://www.healthcare.gov/fees-exemptions/exemptions-from-the-fee/

https://www.healthcare.gov/fees-exemptions/hardship-exemptions/

Protect 2nd Amendment: Defending our Right to Bear Arms - Seriously, no one is taking the guns. It won't happen. But what should happen is regulation. I sure as hell don't know how, but something needs to change. My child's right to life is much more important that a gun bring sold to just anyone. Because she is precious. Her friends are precious. Her teachers are precious. And there are far too many of our babies dying on schools. I don't think it's all the guns, I think it's mental health first. But access to guns is something to look at.

Defend Traditional Values:Protecting the Texas Values that Define our Communities - Not so much... Let's over reach here dude. I don't have conservative values, so you aren't defending mine. I'm assuming you aren't defending the poor, minorities, or the LGBTQ values either.

Increase Transparency in Government Empowering Texans with Information and Transparency - LOL, whatever, politicians don't do that ever.

Rein in EPA Fighting the Burdensome, Job-Killing Policies of the Obama Administration - Because being environmentally aware is... Bad?

Defend Strong Voter ID Laws Protecting the Integrity of the Election Process - Less than 2 times a year on average. Seriously... Were passing laws because of two votes... Here... Go read...

http://www.politifact.com/texas/statements/2013/sep/13/eddie-bernice-johnson/voter-fraud-occurs-texas-though-convictions-and-gu/

Protect our ChildrenFostering Safety in our Communities - I can support this. But the side note would be that the same issue is on the democratic platform as well.

Safeguard Texas Consumers Protecting Texans from Fraudulent, Deceptive and Illegal Practices - Well good... I kinda thought that was a no brainer...

Defend the 10th Amendment Combating Federal Government Overreach in Texas - Well okay, but no talk if succeeding... That makes you look dumb... Oh wait... Perry did that...

Stop Human TraffickingBringing Traffickers to Justice - That is totally awesome!!!! The democrats want that too!! See you can be friends... Except that you don't like poor, minorities, women, or LGBTQ... So maybe not.

Look, I know where I live, I don't plan on moving. I know my POV is not the majority. But it's mine. I didn't care much before. I care now. I want my daughter to make the same as a man. I want her to be able to marry who she wants to. I want her to be able to go to college without concerns of debt. I want something better for her.

I used to just listen to what the TV said, I used to think they knew better. But then I realized that I can read the whole story. I can watch the full speech. I can decide for myself. I don't just read one side. I explore both. My views of the world have changed. My political alignment has changed. My morals have changed. Debate a topic with someone of opposing views, and do so respectfully. Learn from them and open your mind to things that make you uncomfortable. You'll learn many things. Like pro - choice doesn't always equal pro - abortion. I don't have to like babies being aborted to be an advocate for their right to choose. Being pro - regulation of firearms does not mean I don't think people can't own guns. I listened, learned, and grew.

I encourage you to do the same.

http://www.wendydavistexas.com/issues/
https://www.gregabbott.com/issues/

We Mess Up

We can make a mess of things... With our crazy ideas and insatiable needs. We can focus on the big picture so much that we forget about the individual.

I struggle with that, with feeling that I've been forgotten and with forgetting to remember others. I think we all do. We forget that sometimes someone really needs to just hear "Thank you," or "I appreciate you." I think often we feel lost in the mess and that the only way to be heard is to scream. I know that I do. So we shout and struggle and sometimes people notice, but when they do, it's not the same. When we break, when things aren't all pretty. I've been there... But I still forget, I still mess up.

I also struggle with being the liberal advocate that my life is turning into sometimes. Spreading love and acceptance and berating those who don't seems weird to me. And honestly, I don't mean to be berating, but I bet it seems that way from the other side. I imagine that those I engage in debate with sometimes feel attacked, whether I mean it that way or not. It becomes hard again to separate the two sides. How do you say we should accept everyone without really accepting everyone? I imagine that isn't foreign to others either...

So what's the point? We forget that people are individuals. We forget to say thank you. We forget. We mess up. Now, how do we clean up?

Choose Love...

Is possibly one of the most common "hashtags" these days.  I don't suppose anyone else feels like it's a bit odd that we have to make this a campaign. Like it should be obvious right...

Apparently not... I am continuously appalled by my fellow Christians, it seems like that for each step forward we still take at least one step back...

Gays should have the same tax rights, but it's not marriage.
You shouldn't have an abortion, but the only safe sex is no sex.
Women have a right to say what happens to their bodies, but we aren't paying for birth control.

What does that say to people who aren't Christians.... What does it say, for that matter, to people who are?

We love everyone, but only if...

I don't want that. I don't want it for me, my family, my daughter... I just want to love.

So with that #chooselove

8:10 am

It's Sunday... We have to be at church in 20 minutes...

I don't want to go...

It is possibly one of the most difficult things I have ever admitted. I love worshipping, I love singing, I love fellowship.. But I don't want to go. I don't feel less moved by God, I don't feel less in tune with God.

There was a time not so long ago, that I looked forward to church.  When there were smiles and jokes and people made me feel something I craved. I don't feel that anymore. I feel tired and alone in a sea of people that I don't know. And, frankly, that don't know me.

Why is this so crazy hard for me. I'm the unspoken youth director too. I'm supposed to be leading them to be leaders... But leaders of what, a church where I don't feel love. I used to, but I don't now... I don't feel included in anything really...

I don't feel like I have a voice about the youth program I was asked to lead. I don't feel like I have a voice in the church I attend much at all.

My husband plays and sings... He loves it and I don't want to pull him away from that. My daughter has friends there I don't want to pull her away from that. I have no idea where that leaves me, or leads me.

So I pray a lot... And hope to find the answer.

I don't imagine I'm the only one that feels this way, I know that it's incredibly hard to come to terms with for those of us who have a strong relationship with God and enjoy fellowship with others. I suppose I write this as a way to say, I think it's something to not be ashamed of and that other people struggle with too. I'm not sharing this one to Facebook or Twitter, I don't expect it to spread any word like wildfire... I just needed to say it....

The Invisibles

Change lanes... Pick up your phone... Look through your purse... Push buttons on the radio... Speed through an intersection... DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.  If I do one of those things, they won't bother me.

If I don't look, I won't see the sadness. If I don't look, I won't get that sinking feeling in my stomach. If I don't look, I won't see desperation. If I don't look, I won't see pain. If I don't look, they won't see me. If I don't look, I won't see them.

We avoid what is disturbing to us to an extent that we no longer see it. The beggar on the corner doesn't effect us in any other way other than to think to continue to avoid them. Better yet, our minds come up with labels that justify our actions to alleviate the guilt of avoiding someone else's plight. The refugees that flee to our country are illegal and we shouldn't let them in, the pan handler will only use my money for drugs, I don't have time to so and get food for him because I'll be made to my job, I pay taxes so should they...

Love... Love freely, love equally, love with abandon.

Sept 11

Today I remember that my world got a whole lot bigger... I understood better that my life would be affected by things that didn't touch me in my small town at the age of 17. I cried for people I didn't know, I was scared of people I didn't know, and I mourned people I didn't know. I pause every year to remember the victims and their families, I cannot begin to understand their pain. Most of us probably can't. In short, it changed me, probably changed a lot of us...

Stranger Danger

Is pretty much BS.  Sorry... To those who swear by it. There is some truth to it, no your children shouldn't go anywhere with someone they don't know, so let's teach them that. But  please... Don't forget to talk to them about non-stranger danger.

It's not a comfortable conversation... Have it anyway. We sat down with our kiddo together and we've had the conversation separately too. Its much more likely to have a type of abuse by someone they know, trust, even love. That means they need to know that no matter what or who, they can tell. If Daddy touches you, tell Mommy, I won't be mad. If Mommy touches you, tell Daddy, I won't be mad. So on and so forth. It sucks... Really bad... But 1 out of 5 girls are victims of child sexual abuse and 60% of those were committed by someone in their social circle... And most commonly assaulted between the ages of 7 - 13. 

Scary... Talk to your kids... Ensure them they have a safe place.... And that no matter what they are told you won't be mad.

All statistics were pulled from the following website and more information can be found there as well.

http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics

Perspective

The last four days have been a whirlwind of crazy.  Final school shopping, traveling back from Austin, taking tests, doing laundry, cleaning, reading, cooking, prepping cases, breathing... And this weekend I stayed off Facebook. I unplugged... Logged out and had some great conversation.  I talked through some frustrations, I set my daughter up for a successful first day of school, celebrated the birthday of my mother in law, and had a marvelous Sunday.  Today, I feel different. That may be odd, but today I'm better at identifying as me.  Today breathing was first and the rest fell in to place. Today my little girl walked into school for the first time and I understand a little better. 

I like to think that we can choose to grow... That when we acquire information it changes us. I think that is the most awesome thing ever.  I never want to stop growing, I want to be changed by knowledge and allow myself to be molded by the assimilation of information. If I stop learning from life...I stop growing and I can't imagine that.

But, people will say you're fickle.
Maybe, but if you aren't, then who cares.

So, never be afraid to break ranks, speak your mind and when something makes you think... Explore it.  Explore you, find out what makes you tick. Enjoy life. Don't take yourself so seriously (insert Joker voice here). And learn... Never stop learning.

Thoughts...

I woke up today, and I was thinking about lots of stuff... y'all being in a hotel room alone will totally do that to a person. I got up and I went to hotel gym (way to go DoubleTree on having a decent one). Last night I was annoyed... today at 5:30am... I'm still feeling it. I won't retract that, but I can maybe better explain it. It isn't just the water so much; I think that I lost ground there.

Be fair, I am not a journalist or anything like that. Just expressing thoughts. The feeling is initiated by the response to the thoughts triggered by what I'm seeing. If that makes sense. So it's not just the water challenge that I find bothersome. I mean it's bigger than that. I read A LOT last night, and I'll probably read more tonight. I read about how great this has been for ALS. And it has been they have raised more than two times the amount of money this year, so far, than all of last year. That is amazing. The big picture is raising awareness though, right? Admittedly I did not know much about it prior. I would say it's doing that too. I'm sure that some are doing it for exposure. But I also think it's safe to say that ALS has been googled exponentially more often recently than in years past. So what else did I read...? I read that it is a waste of water... Yeah it is. But my sprinklers run twice a week... same thing. Besides, we have a ton of other things we do that waste more. So what is it...?

I said yesterday that I wasn't sure, and recognized that it's weird to be annoyed.

I don't think it's weird anymore.

Throughout the day I thought about what is really bugging me about this. Is it because people are throwing ice water on the ground... nope. That isn't it, but that is what triggers it. So if you want to keep delving into my brain... here we go.

I think at the base of the feeling, the real root of it, lies in the fact that it gets me to look at myself. My choices, my values, my life. So let's see, when I feel annoyed because of the waste of water, I am forced to reckon with myself about that. I have to look at all the things I choose to do that have the same effect. And I come up short. I come up really short. In an area that stirs me. Hopefully that conveys the message I want it to.

During the pouring over information regarding water sanitation, I discovered just how bad it is.  Just how many people die and get sick because of poor conditions.  Then I think, 'what if they saw that,' and I cringe. And then, figuratively, I pull up to my manicured green lawn, start the washing machine, dishwasher and run a bath.

It's not the intended message, I GET that. It may not be how anyone else in the world feels when they watch the #icebucketchallenge. But that's where it gets me. I know that may not make sense. I don't guess it has to. So what did the challenge teach me... that ALS sucks... really bad!! And water is extremely precious in so many areas and we are incredibly blessed to have access to it. I have learned that I am blind to things until they are thrown into my world sometimes, and I'm not proud of that. I discovered that I have a lot of growing to do and I am completely okay with that.

Maybe that helped see where I am coming from... Maybe not... Either way it helped me figure myself out.

Peace!

If it's worth having....

It's not easy...

I think that is true for so many things... Really all things.  I don't have one thing  that I place high value on, that was easy to get. My education, my career, my faith,my child... And yeah my marriage.  I almost lost that once.  I thank God everyday that I didn't. I can tell you that getting past that and being where our relationship is today was hard.  Harder than anything I'd done before. It was a guilty, dark, and fearful time. And it was my fault. 

I'm not perfect, obviously! I don't know everything, but I thought I would share some things that I think saved us... Maybe it'll help.

1)Say you are sorry, but not til you mean it.
I know they say not to go to bed angry, and they are right... Don't!!! But also don't say you're sorry just to end an argument. Learn to understand that being apologetic is okay. If you fight about something that is important to you, maybe its not an apology for how you feel, but an apology for letting it escalate. But MEAN it!!

2)Touch often.
It can release endorphins and lower blood pressure. It can make you smile and take away hurt. Touch your spouse.  Hold their hand. Learn the lay of their face with your fingers. Play with their hair and hold hands.

3)Make love more.
Yeah, cliche right, but there is some truth
here. For the most part, humans like sex. Oh sure not all of us, but mostly. Also, try things. It doesn't have to get crazy in the bedroom, or not the bedroom, but spice it up. Don't let the topic be scary, talk about it with your spouse.

4)Receive constructive criticism with grace.
This is hard for me too. I've learned to
apologize for the lack of grace. A lot of communication can save a marriage. Letting your spouse know that they can come to you and have an adult conversation about you is super important. If your spouse can't tell you their dislikes, they are going to tell someone else... Think about that.

5)Learn to be happy with you.
They can't make you happy. Oh sure they can help, but you and you alone are responsible for your happiness.

6)Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Okay, we all screw up. We don't have all the answers. Don't be afraid to seek a professional for help. A counselor, pastor, a prayer... may be a good place to look. Or just a friend.

7)Don't be scared to admit you are wrong
Check back to #1 first but understand, that being wrong is fine. Messing up is fine. Not knowing what the hell to do... Guess what... It's FINE! It isn't the end of the world to be wrong... It's totally normal.

8)Do insanely stupid things together.
Enjoy hanging out playing video games, even if you're 40. Have a water gun fight. Jump on trampoline, play board games. Dance in the rain, have snow ball fights. Be silly and laugh together.

9)Go on cheesy dates.
Find something out of the box... Do it. Go race go carts. Play mini golf. Go paint balling. Hit up a batting cage.

9.5)And romantic ones
And yes put on the good duds and go out. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just get dolled up and go. It isn't the cost, its the fact that you are making the effort.

10)Say I love you.
When....? ALL THE TIME!!!

I won't pretend that this is a catchall.  Marriage is work... It's a wonderfully fulfilling, frustrating, demanding, amazing full time job. There will be times when you scream, times when you cry, times were you would rather be anywhere else. When those things happen.... Remember why you fell in love. When the world, and those in it, start to push in, push back.

Peace.

Carpe Diem

'…Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary…'

This week I found out that a beloved actor passed. It was quickly released how he passed and simultaneously why that was the way he passed. I didn't see any negative posts, I thank my friends for that. Thank you for understanding that is inappropriate. I heard about them though.  I don't exactly understand why they were posted. I don't understand why people think that it is okay to talk poorly about someone who has passed. I don't understand why it matters if they took their own life, died naturally, or someone else took it.  If it's religion that makes you think that you have the right to condemn… Well that just sounds weird in general so you should just not.  If it's because you battled depression and think they should have fought too… Good for you, but that doesn't make them not as good as you. I suppose there are more reasons that people could be upset… I can't think of any. Honestly, coming up with two was difficult. I can't seem to fault someone for dying.

I know what it feels like to lose a friend though, I know I can fault myself. I know the feelings are different in each case. When they pass, it's sad, things remind me of them, but it gets better, and I remember the happy times that we had and some of the regret of things left unsaid. When they are taken, I think they weren't here long enough, there is a little anger in that, but eventually the anger subsides and its similar to when they pass. I hadn't dealt with suicide, I may not have dealt with it yet, we won't ever really know what happened, but it is different.

I can't muster anger, not at them… I can at myself though and it isn't hard to do.  As a friend, going to their funeral and hugging their family makes me feel about an inch tall.  When I think about them I feel that way too, even now. It's different. The internal questioning of what I could have done is endless, and there are no answers. People tell me that, there is nothing you could have done, but that doesn't sit right either. Maybe that is where the negative comes from… the inability to find closure.

I don't choose that though… I choose to let that remind me that I can't take a day for granted… or a friend.  I did that, I wish I hadn't. I'm not saying it would have changed anything, sometimes we can't exact change. An internal struggle does not always need an external trigger.  I'm not saying I could have made them better.  There will always be a maybe though.

Peace.

 

Let's play a game...

... It's called who is your daddy and what does he do....

Kinda, but more like, "Who is your God and what does He do."  For all intents and purposes, the you here refers to me and the our and we statements are purely mine and not staying that everyone feels this way. I cannot speak for all Christians and don't pretend to.

So, I think if you asked that question of a group of Christians you would get vastly different answers. Some would liken him to a father, some a teacher, some would say comforter.

I talk to my youth group about that, and there are differences even in our small group.

When I think of God... I think of sacrifice.  When I think of sacrifice... I think of Jesus. When I think of Jesus... I think of revolutionary.  I always think of the story of Jesus entering the temple and throwing the tables over and admonishing the money changers.

This speaks to me in so many ways... Not that it was a show of force, but a cleansing of what was accepted.  Jesus came and rocked the world of the religious leaders of the time. He stood up for the persecuted and hung out with tax collectors, fisherman and whores.

Yes he was perfect, we say he was anyway... But a lot of people said he wasn't back then... And he still stood up for what he knew was right. I want to be like that... That is why I call him Father... And as for what he does... He inspires me daily to stand up for what I believe in and be the voice to the ones who don't have one. To see the homeless and not look through them, to fight for the rights of others, for it is not my right to judge, to not become complacent in the world, but to shake it up and leave a mark....

Peace

You keep using that word...

... I do not think it means what you think it means...

per·se·cu·tion

ˌpərsəˈkyo͞oSHən/

noun

noun: persecution; plural noun: persecutions

hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of race or political or religious beliefs.

"her family fled religious persecution"

synonyms:oppression, victimization, maltreatment,ill-treatment, mistreatment, abuse, ill-usage, discrimination, tyranny; More

persistent annoyance or harassment.

"his persecution at the hands of other students"

So, what do you think it means... It gets tossed around a lot nowadays.

I hear people who have no idea what it means to wake up and be afraid say that they are persecuted... And that irritates me.  People in other countries are fleeing for their lives because they believe a certain way. They are persecuted.

We are not persecuted as Christians because same sex couples want to marry, we are not persecuted because women want to have access to all types of birth control. We are, in general, in our small corner of the world, NOT persecuted at all.

What we are makes me just as sad. We are judgmental, we are hypocrites, we are blind to the needy and we are not full of love as we proclaim to be.

When it suites us we say, "let he who has no sin cast the first stone," and then we throw a boulder at the next person passing by.

I'm not by any means saying I'm better... I want to be, maybe someday... I want to try  everyday, to be what I'm supposed to be.

I think that I'm supposed to be love, I'm supposed to use the brain that God gave me to figure out this world. To leave it just a bit better than when I came.

*we is used as a generalization to the group that is viewed as "Christian"

Welcome

I suppose this will be introductory, so I won't go into any crazy stuff this time. I suspect that at some point I will write something that upsets someone, I've decided I'm kinda okay with that.  I don't pretend to feel that everyone feels like I feel on certain subjects, or even remotely agrees with me on many of them, and I'm also okay with that.  I hope that things that are read are discussed, I hope that there are comments left that are intelligent, challenging, and informative. 

I think that sometimes we, as a society, become so mired in things that we forget that we can change things. That we are powerful and forces to be reckoned with.  Sometimes things feel so big that we feel impossibly small and inconsequential. I find that incredibly sad.  The thought that as a singular person, we cannot effect the world in which we live, makes me mad.  Change is always started somewhere, with someone... why is that never us.  Why is it that we temper our emotions to the "norm," and not let them lead us. I am not saying that we should fly off the handle at everything, that's not where I'm going. 

Get in touch with your emotions.  When something makes you mad, think about it. Maybe understand first that it's okay to be mad in the first place. I hear people saying to get over it... that's just angering in its self. Same thing with sadness, frustration.... really anything.  I had a conversation with C yesterday.  It was after he had an exceptionally bad day the previous day, and it got me thinking.  He said that sometimes he just likes to stew in his anger, and that he's trying to be better about telling me that it's not me or L that he is mad at... he's just mad and needs to be mad for a while.  I was floored by that.  My instinct is to make it better, sometimes because I feel like it's my job to do that... but what I was doing was robbing him of something he needed... and I GET that.

So to wrap up what could go in to a very long welcome to the "Mind of T," get in touch with what irks you, touches you, fulfills you, or whatever and use it. That's what this is about, I may not change the world, but I'm going to try to change something, maybe it's just changing me... and y'all I'm definitely okay with THAT!

Peace.