Choose Love...

Is possibly one of the most common "hashtags" these days.  I don't suppose anyone else feels like it's a bit odd that we have to make this a campaign. Like it should be obvious right...

Apparently not... I am continuously appalled by my fellow Christians, it seems like that for each step forward we still take at least one step back...

Gays should have the same tax rights, but it's not marriage.
You shouldn't have an abortion, but the only safe sex is no sex.
Women have a right to say what happens to their bodies, but we aren't paying for birth control.

What does that say to people who aren't Christians.... What does it say, for that matter, to people who are?

We love everyone, but only if...

I don't want that. I don't want it for me, my family, my daughter... I just want to love.

So with that #chooselove

8:10 am

It's Sunday... We have to be at church in 20 minutes...

I don't want to go...

It is possibly one of the most difficult things I have ever admitted. I love worshipping, I love singing, I love fellowship.. But I don't want to go. I don't feel less moved by God, I don't feel less in tune with God.

There was a time not so long ago, that I looked forward to church.  When there were smiles and jokes and people made me feel something I craved. I don't feel that anymore. I feel tired and alone in a sea of people that I don't know. And, frankly, that don't know me.

Why is this so crazy hard for me. I'm the unspoken youth director too. I'm supposed to be leading them to be leaders... But leaders of what, a church where I don't feel love. I used to, but I don't now... I don't feel included in anything really...

I don't feel like I have a voice about the youth program I was asked to lead. I don't feel like I have a voice in the church I attend much at all.

My husband plays and sings... He loves it and I don't want to pull him away from that. My daughter has friends there I don't want to pull her away from that. I have no idea where that leaves me, or leads me.

So I pray a lot... And hope to find the answer.

I don't imagine I'm the only one that feels this way, I know that it's incredibly hard to come to terms with for those of us who have a strong relationship with God and enjoy fellowship with others. I suppose I write this as a way to say, I think it's something to not be ashamed of and that other people struggle with too. I'm not sharing this one to Facebook or Twitter, I don't expect it to spread any word like wildfire... I just needed to say it....

The Invisibles

Change lanes... Pick up your phone... Look through your purse... Push buttons on the radio... Speed through an intersection... DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.  If I do one of those things, they won't bother me.

If I don't look, I won't see the sadness. If I don't look, I won't get that sinking feeling in my stomach. If I don't look, I won't see desperation. If I don't look, I won't see pain. If I don't look, they won't see me. If I don't look, I won't see them.

We avoid what is disturbing to us to an extent that we no longer see it. The beggar on the corner doesn't effect us in any other way other than to think to continue to avoid them. Better yet, our minds come up with labels that justify our actions to alleviate the guilt of avoiding someone else's plight. The refugees that flee to our country are illegal and we shouldn't let them in, the pan handler will only use my money for drugs, I don't have time to so and get food for him because I'll be made to my job, I pay taxes so should they...

Love... Love freely, love equally, love with abandon.

Sept 11

Today I remember that my world got a whole lot bigger... I understood better that my life would be affected by things that didn't touch me in my small town at the age of 17. I cried for people I didn't know, I was scared of people I didn't know, and I mourned people I didn't know. I pause every year to remember the victims and their families, I cannot begin to understand their pain. Most of us probably can't. In short, it changed me, probably changed a lot of us...

Stranger Danger

Is pretty much BS.  Sorry... To those who swear by it. There is some truth to it, no your children shouldn't go anywhere with someone they don't know, so let's teach them that. But  please... Don't forget to talk to them about non-stranger danger.

It's not a comfortable conversation... Have it anyway. We sat down with our kiddo together and we've had the conversation separately too. Its much more likely to have a type of abuse by someone they know, trust, even love. That means they need to know that no matter what or who, they can tell. If Daddy touches you, tell Mommy, I won't be mad. If Mommy touches you, tell Daddy, I won't be mad. So on and so forth. It sucks... Really bad... But 1 out of 5 girls are victims of child sexual abuse and 60% of those were committed by someone in their social circle... And most commonly assaulted between the ages of 7 - 13. 

Scary... Talk to your kids... Ensure them they have a safe place.... And that no matter what they are told you won't be mad.

All statistics were pulled from the following website and more information can be found there as well.

http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics

Perspective

The last four days have been a whirlwind of crazy.  Final school shopping, traveling back from Austin, taking tests, doing laundry, cleaning, reading, cooking, prepping cases, breathing... And this weekend I stayed off Facebook. I unplugged... Logged out and had some great conversation.  I talked through some frustrations, I set my daughter up for a successful first day of school, celebrated the birthday of my mother in law, and had a marvelous Sunday.  Today, I feel different. That may be odd, but today I'm better at identifying as me.  Today breathing was first and the rest fell in to place. Today my little girl walked into school for the first time and I understand a little better. 

I like to think that we can choose to grow... That when we acquire information it changes us. I think that is the most awesome thing ever.  I never want to stop growing, I want to be changed by knowledge and allow myself to be molded by the assimilation of information. If I stop learning from life...I stop growing and I can't imagine that.

But, people will say you're fickle.
Maybe, but if you aren't, then who cares.

So, never be afraid to break ranks, speak your mind and when something makes you think... Explore it.  Explore you, find out what makes you tick. Enjoy life. Don't take yourself so seriously (insert Joker voice here). And learn... Never stop learning.

Thoughts...

I woke up today, and I was thinking about lots of stuff... y'all being in a hotel room alone will totally do that to a person. I got up and I went to hotel gym (way to go DoubleTree on having a decent one). Last night I was annoyed... today at 5:30am... I'm still feeling it. I won't retract that, but I can maybe better explain it. It isn't just the water so much; I think that I lost ground there.

Be fair, I am not a journalist or anything like that. Just expressing thoughts. The feeling is initiated by the response to the thoughts triggered by what I'm seeing. If that makes sense. So it's not just the water challenge that I find bothersome. I mean it's bigger than that. I read A LOT last night, and I'll probably read more tonight. I read about how great this has been for ALS. And it has been they have raised more than two times the amount of money this year, so far, than all of last year. That is amazing. The big picture is raising awareness though, right? Admittedly I did not know much about it prior. I would say it's doing that too. I'm sure that some are doing it for exposure. But I also think it's safe to say that ALS has been googled exponentially more often recently than in years past. So what else did I read...? I read that it is a waste of water... Yeah it is. But my sprinklers run twice a week... same thing. Besides, we have a ton of other things we do that waste more. So what is it...?

I said yesterday that I wasn't sure, and recognized that it's weird to be annoyed.

I don't think it's weird anymore.

Throughout the day I thought about what is really bugging me about this. Is it because people are throwing ice water on the ground... nope. That isn't it, but that is what triggers it. So if you want to keep delving into my brain... here we go.

I think at the base of the feeling, the real root of it, lies in the fact that it gets me to look at myself. My choices, my values, my life. So let's see, when I feel annoyed because of the waste of water, I am forced to reckon with myself about that. I have to look at all the things I choose to do that have the same effect. And I come up short. I come up really short. In an area that stirs me. Hopefully that conveys the message I want it to.

During the pouring over information regarding water sanitation, I discovered just how bad it is.  Just how many people die and get sick because of poor conditions.  Then I think, 'what if they saw that,' and I cringe. And then, figuratively, I pull up to my manicured green lawn, start the washing machine, dishwasher and run a bath.

It's not the intended message, I GET that. It may not be how anyone else in the world feels when they watch the #icebucketchallenge. But that's where it gets me. I know that may not make sense. I don't guess it has to. So what did the challenge teach me... that ALS sucks... really bad!! And water is extremely precious in so many areas and we are incredibly blessed to have access to it. I have learned that I am blind to things until they are thrown into my world sometimes, and I'm not proud of that. I discovered that I have a lot of growing to do and I am completely okay with that.

Maybe that helped see where I am coming from... Maybe not... Either way it helped me figure myself out.

Peace!