Peace

Something that we all enjoy but don't always have. At times we often feel that we may never have it. Due to one thing or another, it's always just being our reach.

Peace.

How do we get there? I will say that for us, it's been discovered in the most elusive place ever. I'm not one to get excited about diet fads or get rich quick scams. However, we did enroll in Dave Ramsey's class when our church offered it. And I will say that it is amazing. I didn't realize I was so stressed about our finances. But now that we are working together it's just amazing.

So step outside your box, look in interesting places, find your peace.

Unless someone like you...

Cares a whole awful lot....

Dr. Seuss was pretty amazing.  He doesn't say unless someone like you persecutes, withholds food, promotes inequality, allows injustice, denies healthcare, or permits children to be homeless.

.... It's not going to get better, it's not.

Sometimes I need a reminder that my voice, though not always appreciated, is necessary. Because there is an undeniable need for change.

Open letter to adult bullies...

Good afternoon,

I understand that you are insecure in some way or another. I understand that some of you do not even know that you are a bully. I understand that some of you were the victim at some point. I understand that some of you think this is the stupidest thing you have ever read. I also understand that the people I wish would read this... won't.

All that being said, I wish you would stop. I wish you could understand the damage you do. I wish that you were able to see that, even though you don't physically hurt someone, the scars remain. I wish that you would think before you speak. I wish that you would care about others to the point that being kind is your first priority. I wish you could see the pain you inflict on family members. I wish you could feel the spirits you crush. I wish you were never taught how to belittle others, because you were subjected to it yourself.  I wish you knew how to elevate others. I wish you knew how to celebrate differences.

I wish you would read this...

No more goody bags...

So my daughter, the fabulous L, will be resigning from the crazy birthday party club.  I don't want to do them anymore. And I am going to take a stab in the dark here and say neither does anyone else with children. I can hear you now, but I love to craft, bake, and spend money. Yeah, I do too. But I don't like to craft Disney stuff, and yeah I love cake… I make some amazing cupcakes… but I hate chocolate cake, oh yeah and that money, well our family is trying to get outta debt so filling goody bags with crap that will a) make your child's teeth rot or b) get lost in the floor of your car on the ride home which will end up resulting in a tearful tantrum because it was "the best" whatever it was, just isn't going to happen anymore. So now is your time to say thank you… So what is L possibly going to do since her horrible mom isn't putting on a show this year? Because, I can be honest and say I used to. We have had the following so far… 1: Zoo 2: Yo Gabba Gabba 3: Tinkerbelle 4: Rapunzel 5: Hawaiian and Pool Party (yeah folks we had 2) 6: Hawaiian Falls…

Enough… enough goodie bags, overspending, cakes that cost way too much and mommy downing almost an inappropriate amount of wine to stay sane.

So this year… my L will have a party, with friends, at the house. There will be a cake… from a box.  There will be fun… they will go outside…

And there will be an appropriate amount of wine. 

 

Spiritual Pep-Rally

Sunday rolls around and it's off we go.  Set up, practice, service, tear down, leave. There are classes, but none that really make me want to go. I used to lead one, but the topics weren't interesting.

I leave feeling connected to God. But I feel that way daily anyway.

I leave feeling glad to see people. But I feel that way daily anyway.

I leave knowing God loves me. But I feel that way daily anyway.

I also leave feeling unfulfilled and like I attended and hour of a pep rally. For a game that already happened and we won.  

I don't know if I'm the only who feels like that. Like church has become less about teaching and more about making people feel great. Which, let's be fair,  is all great, unless it's not.

I find that I feel more fulfilled in my spiritual conversations with others, than I do from attending service.

I find that I feel more connected to God feeding the hungry, than sitting through a sermon.

I find I am missing something.

I don't think my church is bad, oh I don't agree with everything. In fact, many times I very greatly disagree...

I do wonder if I am looking for something that the church can provide at this time, or if I need to look elsewhere for the teachings of equality and love.

I do wonder if I am out of line expecting that I hear about Ferguson, The Re-Frocking of a Pastor, or the church views on homosexuality. And then, if I am indeed out of line...

Do I want to be in line at all.

Peace in Pieces

I recently had a question asked to me in regards to why feeling inadequate at church is so painful? It struck me as a really powerful thought.

I found my answer to be something to this nature... We are taught that church is the place where are short comings don't matter. And they don't... until they do.

I had to think on it. I've struggled in church a few times. I've been through all the emotions from anger to despair.  I've felt invisible among a sea of faces that were supposed to be my spiritual family.  I've felt like I was in some way betraying my faith due to the anger I felt.  I've hit my knees hard to try to discern where I was messing up. I learned. I railed. I cried. I grew.

Where I am now is a place that was forged through thoughtful consideration and prayer. I don't always agree with direction my church takes, but I'm okay with not agreeing. I'm okay with questioning and I'm fully aware that the body of a church is made up of people who are not perfect. They make mistakes just like me and, yes... you guessed it...

I'm okay with that.

Further down the road...

I felt a calling, for those who don't know what that means, think of being inexplicably drawn a particular direction.

I felt that years ago.

I left a job that I was good at and made money doing. Good money. I didn't know what that would mean for me at the time. But I knew that I needed out. My marriage was failing, I wasn't happy, and life sorta sucked.

I had been volunteering at VBS and had thought maybe that was what I needed to do. So, I found a job at a daycare. I enjoyed that and loved my kids, but that wasn't it. My marriage was stronger than it had ever been. My family was happy and reconnected. However, I didn't feel utilized or fulfilled. I'm not in any way saying that teaching preschool isn't amazing. It just want for me. I moved to the office, went through director certification and worked as an admin. I have never been as stressed as that job made me. I didn't know what to do. Around that time I also stepped into a role in my church that would change my life and grow me in so many ways.

I stepped into a youth ministries rule. I had an amazing co-leader. Together we got the youth program going. And I thought, finally. This is it, this is fulfilling. I'm happy and the stress isn't so bad. I've got this. And it was amazing.

Until it wasn't.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to admit to myself. As much as I loved the youth kids, as much as I wanted that to be where my calling was.

It wasn't. It isn't.

For so many reasons my heart was no longer fulfilled in that role. And I felt like a failure. I had learned that I dislike the politics that come along with being at that level of involvement. And that more often than not, the frustration that I felt was making me not want to be in that role anymore. Worse than that, I was starting to not to want to go to church.

That was a low for me. And excruciating. I was ashamed, I was angry, I was hurt.

During this time I had also changed jobs. To a job that I love.  It's not easy, but it's amazing.

It was a learning experience for me. My husband listened to me question myself, my faith, my career, my church.

The roads we travel take us so many places. They weather us, grow us, and educate us.

I felt a calling... I still do... But I am okay with not understanding it. I'm okay with letting my choices discover hidden paths. I'm okay with just being me and letting it unfold. I'm okay with being wrong about what it was.

The point in writing this (aside from it being cathartic) was to let people know that you don't have to have it figured out. I'm a planner... I need a plan... But I try to be okay with that plan not working. It's not always a bad thing. And it's not always anyone's fault.

Life is an adventure, you get one time around with this one.

Make a difference.

Make it yours.