Further down the road...

I felt a calling, for those who don't know what that means, think of being inexplicably drawn a particular direction.

I felt that years ago.

I left a job that I was good at and made money doing. Good money. I didn't know what that would mean for me at the time. But I knew that I needed out. My marriage was failing, I wasn't happy, and life sorta sucked.

I had been volunteering at VBS and had thought maybe that was what I needed to do. So, I found a job at a daycare. I enjoyed that and loved my kids, but that wasn't it. My marriage was stronger than it had ever been. My family was happy and reconnected. However, I didn't feel utilized or fulfilled. I'm not in any way saying that teaching preschool isn't amazing. It just want for me. I moved to the office, went through director certification and worked as an admin. I have never been as stressed as that job made me. I didn't know what to do. Around that time I also stepped into a role in my church that would change my life and grow me in so many ways.

I stepped into a youth ministries rule. I had an amazing co-leader. Together we got the youth program going. And I thought, finally. This is it, this is fulfilling. I'm happy and the stress isn't so bad. I've got this. And it was amazing.

Until it wasn't.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to admit to myself. As much as I loved the youth kids, as much as I wanted that to be where my calling was.

It wasn't. It isn't.

For so many reasons my heart was no longer fulfilled in that role. And I felt like a failure. I had learned that I dislike the politics that come along with being at that level of involvement. And that more often than not, the frustration that I felt was making me not want to be in that role anymore. Worse than that, I was starting to not to want to go to church.

That was a low for me. And excruciating. I was ashamed, I was angry, I was hurt.

During this time I had also changed jobs. To a job that I love.  It's not easy, but it's amazing.

It was a learning experience for me. My husband listened to me question myself, my faith, my career, my church.

The roads we travel take us so many places. They weather us, grow us, and educate us.

I felt a calling... I still do... But I am okay with not understanding it. I'm okay with letting my choices discover hidden paths. I'm okay with just being me and letting it unfold. I'm okay with being wrong about what it was.

The point in writing this (aside from it being cathartic) was to let people know that you don't have to have it figured out. I'm a planner... I need a plan... But I try to be okay with that plan not working. It's not always a bad thing. And it's not always anyone's fault.

Life is an adventure, you get one time around with this one.

Make a difference.

Make it yours.

Let's play a game...

... It's called who is your daddy and what does he do....

Kinda, but more like, "Who is your God and what does He do."  For all intents and purposes, the you here refers to me and the our and we statements are purely mine and not staying that everyone feels this way. I cannot speak for all Christians and don't pretend to.

So, I think if you asked that question of a group of Christians you would get vastly different answers. Some would liken him to a father, some a teacher, some would say comforter.

I talk to my youth group about that, and there are differences even in our small group.

When I think of God... I think of sacrifice.  When I think of sacrifice... I think of Jesus. When I think of Jesus... I think of revolutionary.  I always think of the story of Jesus entering the temple and throwing the tables over and admonishing the money changers.

This speaks to me in so many ways... Not that it was a show of force, but a cleansing of what was accepted.  Jesus came and rocked the world of the religious leaders of the time. He stood up for the persecuted and hung out with tax collectors, fisherman and whores.

Yes he was perfect, we say he was anyway... But a lot of people said he wasn't back then... And he still stood up for what he knew was right. I want to be like that... That is why I call him Father... And as for what he does... He inspires me daily to stand up for what I believe in and be the voice to the ones who don't have one. To see the homeless and not look through them, to fight for the rights of others, for it is not my right to judge, to not become complacent in the world, but to shake it up and leave a mark....

Peace