What love looks like...

I've been married for 9 years. We've been together for 11. We have a pretty awesome 6 year old. We aren't high school sweethearts. We didn't have sparks fly the first time we met. Our first meeting didn't really go over well. And we had anything but the typical dating life. But, all those things don't define love anyway. Saying and doing everything the way your supposed to isn't the good stuff.

So, what is it? What has kept our marriage strong? What saved us?

Being willing.

Being willing to admit when I'm wrong. Being willing to communicate.
Being willing to learn.
Being willing to forgive.
Being willing to be uncomfortable.

In short, being willing to be a partner. Not just the label of wife or husband.  When we admit that we can be wrong and communicate. We learn the root of the problem and we can forgive even when it is uncomfortable.

So what is love?

Love is in the trenches when it's muddy and it's a war zone.
Love is winter night snuggles. 
Love is the willingness to put in the effort to make a relationship last a lifetime.
Love is smiling at the thought of your partner.
Love is late night emergency room visits.
Love is all the thing you thought it would be... And all the things you never thought.

The hours are long, sometimes you feel like you have no idea how to do it. Sometimes you may want to quit.

Love is worth the work.

If it's worth having....

It's not easy...

I think that is true for so many things... Really all things.  I don't have one thing  that I place high value on, that was easy to get. My education, my career, my faith,my child... And yeah my marriage.  I almost lost that once.  I thank God everyday that I didn't. I can tell you that getting past that and being where our relationship is today was hard.  Harder than anything I'd done before. It was a guilty, dark, and fearful time. And it was my fault. 

I'm not perfect, obviously! I don't know everything, but I thought I would share some things that I think saved us... Maybe it'll help.

1)Say you are sorry, but not til you mean it.
I know they say not to go to bed angry, and they are right... Don't!!! But also don't say you're sorry just to end an argument. Learn to understand that being apologetic is okay. If you fight about something that is important to you, maybe its not an apology for how you feel, but an apology for letting it escalate. But MEAN it!!

2)Touch often.
It can release endorphins and lower blood pressure. It can make you smile and take away hurt. Touch your spouse.  Hold their hand. Learn the lay of their face with your fingers. Play with their hair and hold hands.

3)Make love more.
Yeah, cliche right, but there is some truth
here. For the most part, humans like sex. Oh sure not all of us, but mostly. Also, try things. It doesn't have to get crazy in the bedroom, or not the bedroom, but spice it up. Don't let the topic be scary, talk about it with your spouse.

4)Receive constructive criticism with grace.
This is hard for me too. I've learned to
apologize for the lack of grace. A lot of communication can save a marriage. Letting your spouse know that they can come to you and have an adult conversation about you is super important. If your spouse can't tell you their dislikes, they are going to tell someone else... Think about that.

5)Learn to be happy with you.
They can't make you happy. Oh sure they can help, but you and you alone are responsible for your happiness.

6)Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Okay, we all screw up. We don't have all the answers. Don't be afraid to seek a professional for help. A counselor, pastor, a prayer... may be a good place to look. Or just a friend.

7)Don't be scared to admit you are wrong
Check back to #1 first but understand, that being wrong is fine. Messing up is fine. Not knowing what the hell to do... Guess what... It's FINE! It isn't the end of the world to be wrong... It's totally normal.

8)Do insanely stupid things together.
Enjoy hanging out playing video games, even if you're 40. Have a water gun fight. Jump on trampoline, play board games. Dance in the rain, have snow ball fights. Be silly and laugh together.

9)Go on cheesy dates.
Find something out of the box... Do it. Go race go carts. Play mini golf. Go paint balling. Hit up a batting cage.

9.5)And romantic ones
And yes put on the good duds and go out. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just get dolled up and go. It isn't the cost, its the fact that you are making the effort.

10)Say I love you.
When....? ALL THE TIME!!!

I won't pretend that this is a catchall.  Marriage is work... It's a wonderfully fulfilling, frustrating, demanding, amazing full time job. There will be times when you scream, times when you cry, times were you would rather be anywhere else. When those things happen.... Remember why you fell in love. When the world, and those in it, start to push in, push back.

Peace.