It's Sunday... We have to be at church in 20 minutes...
I don't want to go...
It is possibly one of the most difficult things I have ever admitted. I love worshipping, I love singing, I love fellowship.. But I don't want to go. I don't feel less moved by God, I don't feel less in tune with God.
There was a time not so long ago, that I looked forward to church. When there were smiles and jokes and people made me feel something I craved. I don't feel that anymore. I feel tired and alone in a sea of people that I don't know. And, frankly, that don't know me.
Why is this so crazy hard for me. I'm the unspoken youth director too. I'm supposed to be leading them to be leaders... But leaders of what, a church where I don't feel love. I used to, but I don't now... I don't feel included in anything really...
I don't feel like I have a voice about the youth program I was asked to lead. I don't feel like I have a voice in the church I attend much at all.
My husband plays and sings... He loves it and I don't want to pull him away from that. My daughter has friends there I don't want to pull her away from that. I have no idea where that leaves me, or leads me.
So I pray a lot... And hope to find the answer.
I don't imagine I'm the only one that feels this way, I know that it's incredibly hard to come to terms with for those of us who have a strong relationship with God and enjoy fellowship with others. I suppose I write this as a way to say, I think it's something to not be ashamed of and that other people struggle with too. I'm not sharing this one to Facebook or Twitter, I don't expect it to spread any word like wildfire... I just needed to say it....
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